Christmas 2018
A time to live . . . . . And a time to die . . . . . . . . . . . And a time to live again!
It is with great joy and sadness that I share this Christmas letter. On November 2, 2018 Pat loosened her grip on her life here and allowed the angels to take her home where so many of her family awaited her return. Those of us who must remain behind must pick up the pieces of memories she left behind and go on with our lives here. That is where I find myself at this time. I am joined in my sorrow by a supportive family and many friends. I am so thankful for that. Because this Christmas letter will be going to those same friends, I say Thank You to all who have shared this portion of my journey. But as we always told our kids; you have to get up, brush yourself off and move on. Cancer is a family disease because it affects everyone in the family but the reverse of that is also true; in that once Pat was free of her nemesis, so were we.
The year 2018 in review
2018 started with little fanfare; Pat was in bed by nine and I watched some fireworks around the world on TV and ushered in the new year from a reclining position in my lounger. Our life by this time was revolving around doctor visits, tests, scans, chemo and all things health related. We tried to work life in amid these constant interruptions. I was torn between trying to fulfill Pats desire to travel and her need to be doctored. Travel windows became shorter and shorter.
I knew that Pat’s remaining time was short so I tried for one last trip to celebrate our March 23rd, 50th wedding anniversary. We planned a three week trip to Key West Florida for April. We drove the car because it would be more comfortable than the truck and camper and for the same reason stayed in Motels. I also wanted to be able to get back quickly if needed. It took us four days to make the trip and Pat did well riding. When we got to Key West, we moved into my nephew’s guest house. Kim and Krystal flew down and met up to make the final drive from southern Florida together. They joined us at Todd’s house for a week of sightseeing and enjoying the seafood. Pat was so happy to be able to share this time with all of us and we felt the same. We left the nightlife primarily for the kids and they made the most of it. I think we all fell in love with Key West. Given the opportunity, Krystal would have stayed; so would I. As the week together started to wind down, Krystal had to drive back up to Miami area for her flight back. Kim, Pat and I had another day before we started back. It was this last couple days that Pat started showing some distress. She did not have her normal appetite and was taking home more food than she ate. We first passed it off as an allergy she was having some trouble breathing and was all stopped up with sinuses. We drove Kim back up to Fort Myers for her flight home and Pat and I stayed for a couple nights so we could go to see some sights at the wildlife sanctuary. We drove around on familiar roads but the birds we expected to see had already migrated north. Even with her walker, Pat was having difficulty doing much walking. On several occasions, she would have to stop and I would go on alone.
From there our plans took us to visit our friends the Dershimers in Orlando area. We planned to stay there two or three nights but it was becoming clearer that Pat was going downhill fast. Plans would have taken us from there to Jacksonville, Fl to visit an old school friend, Karen Wonders Hart and then over to Virginia Beach to visit another old friend, Keven Burke. I knew I had to get Pat back home and into the doctor; so, we skipped those visits and headed home the next morning, cutting our visit with Dershimers to the one night. I planned to take three days to make the return trip but even that had to be shortened and the last two days of driving were combined into one long day so Pat could get to the doctor on Friday. By this time, Pat had gone from walker to wheelchair she was so weak. I was glad we had made this trip but I knew it would be the last vacation for her and I was so glad the girls had joined us down there.
2018 was Pat’s 5th year, fighting the metastatic breast cancer spreading through her body. By this time, we were changing chemo drugs about every 3 months as each provided no significant effect on the growing cancer. She did fight off the sinus infection and felt better. By May, we were taking day trips and she was in less pain as she was now on Norco and a fentanyl patch. She was back to using the walker and she had a renewed spirit. The middle of May, I ordered myself a new electric bicycle. Cycling was one of the few things I liked to do outside by myself. That purchase was probably my highlight of the year. It was amazing how much good two hours on my bike helped my morale, not to mention my general health. I was able to leave Pat for these couple hours and she could get around the house and to the bathroom on her own. In June, I was able to go to the doctor about my back and tell him I didn’t need the planned cortisone treatment to my back and surgery was no longer on the table; because the new exercise I was getting on my bike was easing the back pain. I got the camper ready for a camping trip and we spent a few days out at Sanchris State Park relaxing in the sun overlooking the lake. It was good to get away in the camper but Pat was not up to much walking even with the walker.
In July, Pat had a cyst removed from her back. A biopsy showed it to be more breast cancer in her skin. Scans now were showing spots on her liver and in her lungs. Her waking hours became shorter and the pain killers increased in quantity and type. Pain was constant while she was awake but she was able to sleep. We were now reaching that point where everything became a blur. It was like those last few minutes of an emptying tub where the water spins out of control down the drain. September and October were like that, spinning out of control. She began losing blood and had to have transfusions on several occasions. She was admitted to the hospital after going to the ER for severe side pain. The pain was not diagnosed but she was found to have sepsis, an infection in her bloodstream. She was put on strong IV antibiotics and eventually released to go home with me administering the IV infusions of antibiotics every 8 hours for 6 weeks. Those finished October 4th and blood tests showed no recurrence but she was still anemic and required transfusions. Later in October, she was having trouble breathing and again, we were admitted to the hospital for an extended stay. This time it was fluid around her lungs that did not allow her to take a full breath. The liter of fluid removed contained blood and cancer cells. It was becoming more and more evident that her lungs were fully involved. The pain was increasing with little relief and radiation was suggested to ease the pain. By this time we were on pain control only; because the cancer had gone too far to cure. The first two treatments to her back seemed to ease the pain in her side so we suspected, it was a compression of the nerve from the cancer in her spine. Then, while still getting radiation, Pain increased dramatically.
Her last night at home brought continued pain and when I could not give her enough medicine to ease the pain; she asked me to call an ambulance. She said she did not want to die at home. At this point, she was just too tired to fight any longer. She wanted it to all end. The following are taken from my FB posts following her passing.
Facebook November 2nd: Every story has a beginning and an end. Pat’s story is no different. There was only one possible end because the only cure for life is death. We come into this world encased in a physical body. We know from the beginning it isn’t perfect. It will eventually wear out. For those who loved her, and there are many, it is important to know how she died.
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After a painful night, she was put on a morphine drip. As long as she showed any discomfort, the dosage was increased until she was in comfort and showing no signs of distress. It was explained that this same drug that took away her pain also would eventually take away her breath of life. She had family members at her side the two days she was in the hospital. During that time, she could respond to sounds with breathing rhythm, gripping your hand or facial movement. When I told her I loved her, she tried to speak and I knew. I had read that sometimes the patient will wait to go when loved ones are NOT present to protect them from the viewing of the actual death. I left her last night and told her she could go while I was gone if that was her wish and kissed her good-by.
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When I arrived this morning, the nurses were giving her a bath. They were so caring and gentle. They had turned on some music channel on the TV with soothing music. The room felt as if it were filled with angels. I was at peace and obviously so was Pat. I looked at her thinking how beautiful she was as she glowed in the morning sun. As I sat there holding her hand she ever so gently slowed her breathing and then stopped. I watched for her to start again but she didn’t. She was at last free from an all too restrictive body filled with cancer. The cancer took her body but that released her soul.
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I am sure someplace in Heaven, she is lining up angels alphabetically and by height. I’m sure she will get the Akashic records all organized and Heaven will be spotless.
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I removed the wedding ring that she never took off and will wear it on a chain close to my heart. A love bond this strong can’t be broken by a death because the love is the energy of spirit. It is eternal. I loved her in other lives and I will continue to love her till we can be together again. Peace my love. I love you so.
Facebook November 3rd:This will be short because I need my beauty sleep. I first want to say thank you to all who have shared this part of my life. I do read all the comments even if I don’t comment or “like” . I have often asked myself why I continue to share my thoughts even when there are no comments. The response here validates my reasoning. Sharing my feelings helps others process their own feelings. I have always been a teacher and the best way to teach is by example. I am not saying everything I do is right because if that were the case, I would be finished here and on my way to be with Pat. I obviously have more to share. If I share my lessons, perhaps you can learn from my mistakes so you don’t have to learn from your own. I love the spirit within every one of you even if I don’t agree with your politics. If even one person realizes we are all one. One with each other and one with our creator, I will feel I have accomplished something. We are all held together with the energy of love, the energy of God. I have learned a great many lessons through many incarnations. This last week, I learned the beauty of death. I have never experienced the feeling of love that I felt in that room before Pat was carried home on the wings of angels. I was truly blessed by the presence of Gods messengers. There are many accounts of near death experiences. I feel like I experienced that same feeling through Pat as she was immersed in pure Love. Because of our closeness, like that of a twin, I was feeling what she was feeling. Death is nothing to fear. While I will not go looking for it, I certainly will embrace it when I have finished here and my turn to go home comes. Live life to the fullest, my friends, it is all a gift of lessons to make us more like our creator and less like the animals we inhabit while here. Love and Light. Now, I have truly experienced the Light and felt the Love.
November 7th we had a celebration of life for Pat at our church, St Johns Lutheran. On several occasions during the visitation, we were prodded by the Pastor to quicken the pace because the line extended outside. I don’t have any idea how many were there. If you asked Trump, it was in the millions. I can’t be sure; I didn’t count. At the church service, several gave accounts of Pat’s life. Mine follows.
November 7th: Let me start with a disclaimer. This is the small print usually at the end of an important document. As most of you know I wear my emotions on my sleeve. . . . . . Well, let me change that. I post my emotions on FaceBook. So, if I become a blubbering idiot someplace along the presentation, please bear with me. I’ll try to recover and proceed.
So, Who was Patti Jo Saladino Sriner? She was a very old soul who has accompanied me on many adventures in this life and others. If you ask most people who knew her, “what do you remember about Pat” and they would most often say, “ I remember her smile” . It would literally light up a room. We tried to show that smile in the picture for her obituary and the poster out front. She was beautiful the first time I saw her in High School and she was beautiful the day she passed on to be with her Father in Heaven. But her beauty didn’t reside just on the surface; it went all the way down to her core. And that beauty would shine like a beacon in the dark. I know there is someone out there right now poking their partner and whispering, “ It Probably was from all the radiation she has had.
Pat took after her Dad when it came to work ethic. She was always early to work and put in her full eight hours. Like her father, I think she judged her self-worth, by her job performance. She told the story of her first summer job working for the city. She was confronted early on by her coworkers telling her to slow down because she made them look bad. But, she never slowed down. She was also a compulsive helper. This sometimes got her in trouble because some felt her “helping” was obtrusive. She would go to the point of helping you finishing your sentences. I can assure you that while her help was not always the most tactful; her motive was as pure as her smile. When chastised, she would always reply, “ I was just trying to help” and that was the truth.
When she was not working, she wanted to travel. She considered herself a wandering gypsy. We never had much money but we always took vacations. She has seen all but the far North-east of the contiguous United States. I hope to take her there, with me, in spirit. Even with her invasive cancer, she wanted to travel ; sometimes, just out to the wildlife sanctuary. This last spring, we made it down to Key West to celebrate our 50th anniversary. She loved the trip because we were joined by both our daughters; but her health started to really deteriorate as we started to take a long way back and we had to cut it short.
Just the other day, I was putting some stuff into her dresser drawer and found a stack of lists. Now everyone who knew her knew she was world famous for her list making; but I never knew she saved what she thought were the important ones. I won’t say she was a hoarder but she did hate to throw things away. On the kitchen table, I even found a list for me about how she wanted this service to go. If we had followed that list exactly, you would all be seated alphabetically and color coded by family.
She loved her family and I hope none of you were offended that you were not listed in the obituary. If we included all the family members that she loved, it would have read like an Italian who’s who. The key word here is LOVE and Pat did love people. She never knew a stranger and I mean that literally. No matter where we went, she would be pointing out someone she was sure she knew. I have to say that everyone she knew was a little better off having known her.
This was followed by a solo of the Lords Prayer.
Now, with Christmas bearing down, I try to continue remembering the good times. I hope the Kids and I can share the love and joys of the season with each other to fill the void created by Pat’s absence.
Now, as this year comes to a close, so does this annual Christmas Letter. It also brings with it a close of a major chapter in my life but not the end my life. I have new challenges to conquer, new mountains to climb, and new adventures to live. And yes, I have new Christmas Letters to write. This letter was difficult to write but I felt it was necessary. For some, it was probably difficult to read. Even if you found it difficult to read, I hope you gained some understanding of Pat and I and our true love for each other. We had a great life together of more than 50 years. We produced two wonderful daughters and watched our 2 grand kids grow. I pray none of you will need to walk this path behind me but I’m sure some will. If you do, let my account give you some understanding of the road ahead and above all, keep the faith; nurture the love; and let in the Light.
May 2019 bring you a new awareness of your place in the world of spirit and may that place be filled with health, happiness and Love.
Bless you all,
Love and Light, I AM,
Dulany